I been rebloging a lot of lately, I have said I don’t really like rebloging but for some reason it just helps a lot . Also I been taking screens to help me reminds myself or for future reference.
Another thought is I’m scared that I will fall even harder for this girl I really like. Like I don’t even know if I’ll be even to handle it, I fee like I’m doing a good job at handling my emotions at the moment but it has recently started to feel harder. I just keep falling for her even more. So idk what’s going to happen when she comes back. She doesn’t like me back and I understand that so she could do whatever she want, dates who ever she wants or hook up wth any guy she wants and I can’t even flinche about it. I feel like im only hurting my self again but I have hope and that’s what’s killing me, I hate having this hope for something that won’t happen. She will never be my girl or even like me, she doesn’t want me other a friend. I’m giving my my entire heart to someone who doesn’t want it, this bothers me soo much because the past two years I have closed my self off soo much to girls and even attempting anything others then just sexual shit that doesn’t mean fucking anything. It much easier just hooking up because nothing happens after, just a quick pleasure like drugs. But give your self to someone.. Your soul and heart and the deepest secrets and fears things I never share with any body. I’m think I literally fucking hate my self, I’m starting to hate my self so much and I’m realizing this right now how much I’m learning to hate my self. The choices I made with my ex, and now I’m I’m making choices on accepting the fact the girl who I am crazy for and the girl who I never liked so much before will never like me back at all. And I’m fine with this . I fucking hate my self!!!!!!! I never listen to people when they tell me to find some else or someone else that will actually like me back, i just listen to my heart and always have listen to it and that’s why I have made so many fucking mistakes in my life that litteraly have fucking destoryed me! Taken me to dark places that have fucking sucked. I never want to go back to those places yet I keep find my self going to different places that I am unfamiliar with. I don’t even know how to cry anymore.
My biggest deepest fear that I will never find someone that will like/love me back they way I do to them. I give my heart and soul to the girls who I fall for. I lose my self and it takes me years to fully recover again, about two years everytime. First time with brenna and the second time in my senior year and then again with my ex. It’s been literally two years now I feel like I might repeat. But this time it will purely my fault and only my fault because I know she doesn’t like me and she has made it clear to me. But yes I’m scared that I will never find anyone that I like and she likes me back.